


Need me as you did before

by BusyBird



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29802849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BusyBird/pseuds/BusyBird
Summary: After Humanity's victory, everyone is struggling to understand their role in this new peaceful era. Some more than others.A series of miscommunication issues leads Levi and Erwin to fall apart.After all, Humanity's strongest is completely useless if there are no titans.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Comments: 13
Kudos: 69





	1. Prologue

Levi was not good at feelings, but he didn’t care, not when titans were his top priority. Not when each and every shift made him so weak, he couldn’t even think about what the hell was going on in his heart (if he truly had one). So, he avoided whatever flustered him when Erwin was around; he tucked whatever it was deep inside of a box in his mind and threw the key; he buried everything and forgot about it.

Really, he did forget about it, for years, mistaking that weird, odd desire to be by Erwin’s side as simple devotion to their cause. He trusted Erwin – that was all.

However, when humanity won and there were no titans anymore for Levi to slaughter, a simple, stupid phrase helped him remember. Truly a stupid phrase.

It happened 3 months after the end of the war against titans – after humanity’s victory. After 3 months, it seemed almost logical to believe to that weird, odd peace and, simply, organize an expedition that of an actual expedition had only the name.

Everyone was sitting near the bonfire, chatting about this and that, flinching, often by now, whenever they heard a noise coming from the wood surrounding them. Luckily, it happened to be just a scared animal trying to find a nice place where it could sleep, away from loud humans.

Suddenly, Mike asked, “what are we going to do now?

Levi shrugged – he had no idea, really.

However, Erwin decided to drop the bomb, “I never thought about it,” he started, pretty normally, honestly, “I have yet to adjust to this new situation but, I have to admit, it would be nice to find a fine woman, court her, treat her with flowers and, perhaps, find a place to call home.”

The conversation went on – Armin commented something about Erwin being a gentleman or whatever – but Levi stopped paying attention to the whole thing.

There was this pressure, now, pushing right down onto his chest.

There was his heartbeat, quickening, getting louder and louder to the point of overwhelming any other sound.

Absently, Levi noticed that Hange had gotten closer to him, sitting between him and Erwin – whether it was to distance them or just to annoy Levy, he thought it didn’t matter. Perhaps, it was both, Levi noted, recalling only now about the few nights where Hange had tried to tell him that his crush was showing. Yet, every time, Levi had dismissed them, snorting.

At that time, he had considered it just as a stupid attempt at teasing him. He had known about the rumors spreading among the other soldiers, and how they believed that between Levi and Erwin there was something more indecent than a simple, professional relationship.

Despite all the questions (because nobody dared to ask Erwin) Levi had been used to menace them all with a glare, dismissing them with what Levi had always considered the truth, “I’m his right hand. Nothing more, nothing less.”

It was only logical for Levi to follow Erwin wherever, assisting him if that was his role, right? But what now, he wondered, realizing only at that moment that, now that peace was everything they could focus on --- what now?

There was no need for him to stick around anymore…

For many years, the thought of a life without titans had never crossed his mind. That is, he never had doubts about Erwin needing him there. Though, he knew very well that that first night, outside the walls, celebrating the end of a nightmare, was the first step for Levi to start his journey outside Erwin’s life.

Oh – was he being rejected? He shook his head: no, a rejection needed a confession, first. Levi had never confessed, right? Not that there was anything he had to tell Erwin, right?

It was nothing, really – no feelings involved.

He was just --- surprised. Of course, without man-eater giants menacing their lives, that sappy asshole would be free to do as he wished: dating, fucking, getting married…

Indeed, there was no need for Levi to stay by his side any longer. He was not what Erwin needed anymore.

However, his monologue didn’t go on and, for once, he was glad Hange was there, offering him a glass filled with a cheap whiskey. Without having to ask him twice, Levi drank it to the last drop.

Hopefully, it would be enough to lock those unwanted feelings, again.

Right?

* * *

* * *

The next day, Levi woke up in Hange’s tent. How did he know that it was, precisely, their tent? Easy question: as soon as Levi opened his eyes, Hange was already up, sitting near him, reading a pocketbook and mumbling, very loudly, about the content of those pages.

Feeling the lingering pain of a headache, Levi growled, catching Hange’s attention. They looked away from their book, flashing a smile and mouthing an apology, “I made you drink too much…”

“Why am I not in my tent?” With his things, he wanted to add, with his clean sleeping bag. Hange’s smelled.

“Oh, that,” their smile trembled, “you don’t want to know. Trust me.”

“Spit it,” Levi glared, sitting up so and trying to massage his forehead, hoping to reduce the pain. Damn, he didn't even remember why or how Hange had convinced him to drink that much...

“Let’s say,” Hange resumed, laughing nervously, “two rookies had a lovely night in there.”

For a brief moment, he said nothing. It took him a while to acknowledge what that actually meant.

Levi wanted to scream and Hange knew it.

“I think, we are coming back after breakfast,” they tried, in the vain attempt to distract him. Hopefully, Levi had no strength yet to storm outside and kick the rookies in their face.

“Why so soon?”

Hange shrugged and closed their book, “apparently, we underestimated mother nature. A storm is coming our way and we have nowhere to hide. Either we come back or freeze to death.”

Snorting, Levi cursed, “what next?”

“Erwin said something about getting ready for a new mission due to the end of the month,” Hange explained, “fewer men, this time.”

And when they told him that, Levi imagined they were referring to the rookies. Though, as soon as they got back home, behind the now almost useless walls, Erwin announced the new journey. It was meant to last longer – approximately two weeks, instead of two days.

“Levi, you’ll stay here,” Erwin announced, “there is no need for you to come.”

Ah.


	2. Free to go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before reading: just a couple of explanations about the plot. This fic IS NOT following the main timeline. Let’s say, that Erwin managed to rescue Eren without losing an arm & Zeke had a very bad aim and didn’t hit Erwin. It might seem to be a fix-it fic, but, in reality, it’s not.   
> I added the “heavy angst” tag for a reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: thoughts about suicide.

They were trying to get used to that new routine. Some failing more than others.

Most of the kids were fine (almost) – being a rookie that never had had a chance to fight titans had its perks.

Others were traumatized (which was normal), screwed for life, probably.

Veterans were the real problem though. The recruits had a slight chance to heal, to get back to their previous habits and help the civilians; on the other hand, captains and older soldiers seemed to be unable to believe to that peace. They braced themselves whenever a strange noise occurred; they swore they had seen the hint of a titan in the distance, even though it was not true…

Then, there were those who waited for a new attack, believing that titans were still lurking somewhere. Levi was one of those, or, to say the truth, he almost hoped that was what that peace was all about: just a ruse to make them feel safe before a new attack.

After all, they still didn’t know where Zeke was up and about.

Huffing, Levi realized how horrible that thought was.

He needed to fly up in the sky thanks to the 3DMG, but that didn’t mean his comrades wanted the same.

More importantly, he needed to fight. This new, foreigner life was not meant for him, but, like before, that didn’t mean his comrades wanted it too.

He couldn’t even blame them, after all, the Survey Corps existed exactly for that reason: to bring the peace Levi was so afraid of.

And yet…

Whenever he had a chance, at night, mostly, Levi reached the top of the wall, put his feet right on the border, and looked down, eyes wandering, searching for an enemy. He stayed there, waiting, almost hoping to see something weirdly tall attacking them.

At dawn, the horizon started glimmering, reddish hue painting the sky, air warming up.

Nothing happened.

Nothing came.

They were safe.

He sighed – right now, the only thing that could kill him would be a step into the void, which would lead him to his fall.

Ouff --- it was a very, stupid thought right now, wasn’t it?

He should be glad that, at that moment, the greatest menace was not a 10 meters titan but a stupid fall. That was what a world without titans meant.

On the other hand, that suicidal idea was living rent-free into his head – it seemed better than that same safety slowly emptying him, allowing that sense of inutility to gain more space. He found himself thinking about it more and more.

Everyone was safe, it should be a good thing.

From now on, even rookies would be able to deal with the peaceful life waiting for them inside and outside the walls.

No titans.

No blood.

Nothing. Just humans and whatever they had yet to discover.

And that was his problem. That was not his world. Kenny had raised him to live in the shadow, to take what he wanted with a knife in his hands; then, Erwin had welcomed him as a weapon.

That was what Levi represented: a weapon whose only purpose, now, was to rust.

Under the curious eyes of Eren and the others, Levi lifted his right foot, putting it right beyond the last inch of the borderline. He heard someone gasp behind him, but Levi didn’t do anything more than merely observe his foot standing midair as he tried to balance himself on the other one.

He smiled – he had never thought how easy it would be to die: losing his balance, he could fall, and, without his 3DMG, it would be fatal.

Oh, what a pity, he told himself, putting his foot back, safe and sound on the concrete: Humanity’s strongest defeated by gravity. He snorted – yeah, such a pity – not that someone would miss him. Perhaps, Hange would – Mike, maybe?

“Sir, are you – okay?” Eren called, from his position, failing at hiding the fear in his voice.

Levi sucked in a breath.

Okay, okay – it was not the right time to make those brats worry about him.

He was fine.

Somehow, he’d get over that sense of hollowness…

Hopefully…

The most reasonable thing would be to knock on Erwin’s office door and ask him, directly, whether he was not needed anymore. In fact, that would be the one and only safe way to understand. But Erwin was a busy man those days – he barely had time for himself, even less than before, and everyone was noticing how his work had increased. There was this silent agreement to not burden him any more than necessary.

Which was good, wasn’t it? Both Erwin’s work was being recognized by everyone and Levi had the time to avoid that tedious conversation. Despite that, Levi found himself, day, after day, spending his time on the wall, until late evening – sometimes, he even slept up there.

At least, he was still a good guard, right?

Unfortunately, even that was denied, eventually.

“What do you mean no more patrols?”

In the little, cozy, and very, very dusty office, Erwin was reading papers while discussing Levi’s shift. The blonde lifted his eyes from the written schedule, blue eyes locked with Levi’s.

Sighing, Erwin handed it to Levi: almost all the duties had been crossed with a reddish ink - “There is no need for you to patrol over there.”

Levi grimaced but bit his tongue before saying something he would regret. Instead, what came out of his mouth was, “Is there something you want me to do?”

Slowly but surely, Levi’s adamant protection was growing back – he was not going to let Erwin in. Not again, at least. He had to find the strength, somewhere, to force all the emotions back in, or else, not only he’d be useless, but weak, too.

And he had no time for weakness.

He would not allow Erwin to see him vulnerable and lost like the night of Isabel and Furlan's death. That could not happen again.

Levi swallowed before those blue, tired eyes – he swallowed the senseless anger, his fears, and let his Commander’s decision to be the last drop.

Erwin hummed, “nothing, really. You’re free to go.”

* * *

* * *

“Perhaps,” Hange started, caressing the edge of their glass with their thumb, “he used the wrong words. I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way… why would he want you to leave?”

“No titans mean no fights. No fight means no Levi.”

That night, only God knew how, Hange had managed to find him, hidden in the corner of a bar, far away from their quarter. Without him inviting them over, Hange decided to join him.

“You know that he cares for you, right? You’re not just a soldier…”

Levi didn’t reply but lifted his hand to catch the bartender’s attention. He filled his glass again.

It was only natural for Hange to say something like that. After all, they didn’t know Erwin the same way he did.

Erwin was not as caring as everyone believed him to be.

Or, perhaps, he is the one who doesn’t know him at all – he couldn’t say. Indeed, he was thinking too highly of himself. He knew that Erwin was way more than what he bargained for, but still… he was having a hard time believing Hange.

Erwin was many things, but he didn’t strike him as the emotional, caring man of those stories.

“Levi? You know it, right? You’re more than Humanity’s strongest…”

“Then why I’m no longer allowed to do anything more than watching and cleaning? I can’t even train those brats!”

Hange took a sip. They were drinking very slowly, as if they knew that when they stopped, Levi would find an excuse to flee, “but you like cleaning!”

“As a form of relaxation, yes,” he retorted, “I’m Humanity’s strongest soldier, not Humanity’s maid.”

“Still, he cares for you,” Hange tried, again.

“You’re giving too much credit to that stupid gossip,” Levi barked, tightening the grip on his glass before swallowing the content entirely, “if I happened to run away during your next expedition, Erwin won’t look for me when he is back.”

Suddenly, his friend froze.

“Wait…” Hange started, blinking a few times before turning to look at him because of course, they did understand that it was not a simple ‘what if’, “are you planning to leave…?”

When Levi said nothing, Hange let go of their glass and placed both hands around Levi’s, “you’re not going down there again, right?”

Yet, Levi avoided to look at them in the eyes and shifted, uncomfortably, on his stool. Unfortunately, Hange resumed, “please, Levi…”

“At least,” Levi conceded, at last, “in the Underground I can still be useful,” how? He then asked himself. The same way his mother used to, likely.

At that, as if Hange was finally understanding what Levi’s problem was – as if they were finally realizing that it was not only a matter of ‘Erwin needs me or not’, Hange’s fingers loosened and slipped her arms around Levi’s back.

The Survey Corps didn’t feel like home anymore. Not that the Underground was any better though, but it was something.

“If you truly want to go, I won’t stop you – but if you’re doing it to find out whether Erwin cares or not... he does! Trust me!”

He really wanted to, no shit, but still…

“Or, if you don’t trust me, we can make a bet!”

Levi frowned, “what now?”

“If we come back and he doesn’t say anything about you leaving,” Hange started, squeezing him with their embrace, “we will face it your way and pretend that you don’t have a huge crush for your superior.”

“I don’t---” but before he could retort, Hange continued.

“But! If in two weeks we are back, and Erwin goes crazy without you, you’ll hear me out on this. How does it sound?”

Levi wanted to protest, obviously, because deep inside he knew Erwin would notice and, at least, do his investigations to know if Levi was okay; though, part of him rejected it. Despite Erwin’s kind nature, the only reason he had wanted Levi by his side was his talent – that is, if Levi was not Humanity’s strongest, Erwing wouldn’t have even acknowledged him in the first place.

It was a game of strategies.

A boring one, by now.

However, Levi huffed and accepted, earning Hange’s happy screeches into his ears.

“Shitty Eyes…”

“What?”

“Let go. You stink.”

Hange laughed but squeezed harder.

* * *

* * *

When the day of the expedition came, before leaving, Hange mounted their horse keeping an eye on Levi. He knew they were probably hoping in a sudden change of heart – he could read it in the way Hange’s eyes saddened as they stared from above, pouting like a child.

Mike followed their gaze, and, perhaps mistaking the exchange, gave a little kick to his horse to close the gap between him and Erwin. He whispered something Levi couldn’t catch – whatever it was, it was enough to make Erwin pause and look behind him where Levi was standing.

He seemed like wanting to speak to him before leaving, judging by the way the man’s lips parted, but he got interrupted by one of the women that were there to wish them a good trip and to ask to bring back new plants, food, and everything they could find.

Levi wanted to laugh – until 3 months ago, those were the very same people who used to hate Erwin with a passion… And now they were praising him, suggesting they’re kids to join the Corps.

Now that everything was getting easier.

Of fucking course.

It was ridiculous…

“Promise me you’ll be okay,” Hange begged, at last.

“No titans, no fights. I’ll be fine.”

Hange glared, “you know what I mean,” they warned, “come back if something happens.”

Oh – if only they knew, Levi thought, if only they knew what kind of life had been used to before joining them. There was nothing that could scare Levi, not in the Underground, at least. Besides, he planned to stay clean at least for those two weeks: no clashes; no dangerous jobs; no killing…

He’d wait, patiently, for two weeks, three, at best. After that, if nothing happened, he’d come back to his old life in the Underground.

Except, that this time he’d be alone.

He grinned: it seemed fair.

“Promise me!” Hange demanded, again, as they held the reins in place to guide the horse towards the group.

“Don’t tell him anything,” Levi retorted.

Waiting for them, Erwin was still talking with the woman who now was lifting her hand to grab, oh so gently, the Commander’s forearm. She was a beautiful woman, Levi noticed: long, black hair, light eyes, slim figure.

If the way Erwin smiled back at her after she whispered some kind of compliment was of any indication, he must like her. The confirmation arrived soon after when Erwin bowed and she murmured something against his ear.

Erwin laughed.

Oh.

Levi didn’t think he had ever heard him laughing so warmly.

Whatever the woman told him, Erwin ha appreciated it.

Suddenly, Levi’s thoughts got interrupted by the happy screeches of the group ready to live. Hange was already with the trainees, cheering for them. They seemed happy, he noted, those brats deserved it.

Lucky them.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! It's nice to meet you - this is my very first AOT fic, and hope you'll enjoy it as much as I do while writing it.  
> Hopefully, this is merely a Prologue to what will come next, so let me know whether you'd like me to update it regularly!
> 
> Kudos & comments are much appreciated!  
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
